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Hey all, I'm back again after one hell of a long hiatus, lot has happened in the past year, including having a boyfrind for 5 months, loosing my virginity, being put on antidepressants and gaining a new boyfriend well kinda at least I think so. My ex when i dated for 5 months left me for another girl which i was not happy about. Not to worry much the guy was a bastard. Anyways I'm happier now, and am doing much better since my ex dragged me down into the sprial of depression. Best time of my life was at Supanova, met myself a real nice guy, I'm hoping this one to turn out right this time. Well it's also that time of year again almost. Yup I'm talking about NANO, National Novel Writing Month. This year I'll be attempting the fea of writing two 50k novels, not just one, count them, two 50K novels. Which will be a massive attempt considering the work I do now. At least I have no school to worry about considering I've graduated now and am a free person. Well I'll be giving updates on whatever progress comes along, so hopefully I'll succeed this time, whether it be with one or both of my stories. ~Suki Current Mood:  ecstatic
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Today has not been the best of days, first it's my brother's birthday which has never bode well for me. I'm forced to be nice to him the entire day and yet on my birthday it never matters. Why is it that only now in my hour of sadness and loss recounting the days happenings tears streaming down my face do I realise I have no one to count on. Only now do I realise the only time I let myself have my tears is when I'm alone without anyone to turn to or tell my own worries. I'm always there for everyone else withoout a care for my own worries or problems, I never let my weakness show until I'm behind closed doors. I miss having companionship and having a shoulder to cry on, once I was the person needing the comfort and the constant support. When did that all change. When did I become that source of strength and support in another person? When did I stop needing the support and start supporting others. Was is because gradually I hardened myself against the brutal never ending onslaught of teasing through out primary school and high school. How did I become so cynical and bitter, blind to my own wants and desires. When did I stop responding to compliments and putting myself down rather than try and salvage my damaged self esteem. I've hidden all my problems away and now they're starting to drag me down. They're the ones that whenever I'm put down place the voice in my head that chips slowly away at my self esteem. In defence I must shoot down anyone who comes close to me or tries too. I've too much bagage for anyone to want me and no way of letting it all go. I've a past I've forgotten and barely remember except for the most painful things that have ever happened. When did death become a priority in my life, not my own death, that is something I never wish, it's a false escape from this world and a permanant one too. Everyone I ever seem to have as a friend either dies on me or just no longer speaks to me. I'm now just a shadow in many lives, trapped by my past, lost without a soul and someone who causes more problems than she is worth. For once I wish something for me, I can't believe in god because he has never answered my prayers and failed me too many times. I can't believe in my friends because they're as breif as my life. I can't believe in myself anymore, because there is nothing to belive in. All I want in my life is some peace, some repreive from my pain and someone I can count on. I need someone to love who loves me back, a shoulder to cry on, someone to depend on and yet still depend on me as well. I want so many things, I want a guy in my life, I want a child. I want so many things and they'll never come true, because I've lost hope. I've lost faith, lost my way and strayed far from my path, if I ever had a path to begin with. Maybe this is my fate, I've always been a person who believes in fate. I've lost my will to do a lot of things now, with a heavy heart and burden I trudge on down this path. the path I've wound up on with no directions to get back, no furture to look forward too, and nothing to life for every day. Yet I will still live on, simply a shell of the timid but ever patient and caring little girl I used to be. A friend who I haven't spoken to since I was given the word he may be dead wrote me this poem, but I'll only show you the bit that has made me cry the most and kept me living if only for the rest of my life should he not survive the rest of his. "And finally the spirit of you that brings them together, a woman who is perfect in everyway. She is just waiting for the perfect person to find her. She deserves the best because she is the best. She needs man who will help and grow with her and take her far because a woman like her should see the world because the world deserves to see someone like her. Someone who is heaven on earth That Woman is you. You could make a satanic into a holy man, a gay man straight, a Hercules into a nerd, or the other way around. You can turn death into life with your being. You are wonderful and you should never forget that." ~Suki Current Mood:  Lost in my past
Current Music: What hurts the most - Rascal Flatts
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